Article Snippet: “It took decades to fully “civilianize” myself; that is, living a normal life sans the paranoia picked up from 24 years of military active duty. I’m lucky. Many of my fellow veterans haven’t made the transition yet. Some never will.”
IJCH — Inside JaiChai’s Head (Meaning: My Warped, Personal Opinions and Musings)
From the Author:
Salutations.
I am JaiChai.
And if I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting you before, I’m delighted to make your acquaintance now.
I invite you to interact with everyone, learn and have as much fun as possible!
For my returning online friends, “It’s always great to see you again!"
Lifting the veil of amnesia and letting go…
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It took decades to fully “civilianize” myself; that is, living a normal life sans the paranoia picked up from 24 years of military active duty.
I’m lucky.
Many of my fellow veterans haven’t made the transition yet. Some never will. Consequently, they are stuck in an endless loop of obsessive compulsions and mentally confined in a prison of their own making.
Let me describe what that kind of existence looks like.
If going out in public can’t be avoided, they always position themselves with their backs against the wall and ensure an unobstructed view of all entry and exit points.
Given the size of the place, how crowded it is and whether they are flying solo or accompanied by a date, family or friends, they calculate the time required to successfully evade and escape.
They create a mental floor plan with the location of all visible furniture and structural architecture that could, if need be, used as adequate cover and concealment.
How do I know all of this? Because I used to do the same idiotic things!
It wasn’t until I lifted the veil of the self-imposed amnesia I had over past traumatic experiences that I could make my way towards a life without all those OCD behaviors.
I had foolishly used extreme compartmentalization (the apex of single-minded focus and mission oriented behavior) to throw my huge pile of bull$hit mental baggage into a deep recess of my psyche — hoping it would never resurface again.
In short, I thought I could just “Will” myself to live a happy post-retirement, civilian life.
But throughout this delusion, I knew better.
My cowardly, rationalizing self continued to selectively choose or arbitrarily ignore undisputed facts — until my life began a steep downward spiral.
I ignored one very important fact about extreme compartmentalization:
It is not designed to be a permanent state.
All instances of being “switched on, totally focused and hyper-aware of surrounding threats” must be followed by much longer periods of physical, mental and emotional rest. If not, a myriad of destructive behaviors and a marked erosion of mental health is inevitable.
Desperate and at rock bottom, I did something that turned my life around.
I took full responsibility for my plight.
I confided in my father, a counseling Psychologist. We talked at length about how, throughout my life and career, I’d progressively moved towards the miserable place I was now in.
His empathy and patient, non-judgmental listening gave me the “Psychological Air” I needed so badly.
To prevent conflicts of interest, I sought professional help from my father’s good friend and colleague — a top expert in the field of PTSD treatment and therapy.
During therapy, I forced myself to remember, relive and finally embrace all of my past experiences — both good and bad.
Funny thing.
It was clear that many of the bad experiences prevented me from remembering a lot of good ones.
From the aggregate of memories, I created a living, breathing and sentient being named “Promy” (short for Prometheus) in my mind.
I recognized his existence, gave him the necessary time and space to “Be” and thanked him for all the irreplaceable lessons he taught me.
Finally, I said to him, “Promy, I wouldn’t be me without you in my life. For that, I’m truly grateful. But I’ve learned all I can from you. You are now free to serve others.”
The immediate feelings of weightlessness and unbridled joy are difficult for me to describe. It was like I’d been carrying around an invisible 65+ lb. backpack for over 17 years.
“Nobody emerges unscathed from first contact with their true selves.” — My Father
Here’s hoping that this story can be useful in your life.
By JaiChai
“Really Appreciate You Stopping By. Truly hope to see you again!”
About the Author -
Believing that school was too boring, he dropped out of High School early; only to earn an AA, BS and MBA in less than 4 years much later in life — while working full-time as a Navy/Marine Corps Medic.
In spite of a fear of heights and deep water, he performed high altitude, free-fall parachute jumps and hazardous diving ops in deep, open ocean water.
After 24 years of active duty, he retired in Asia.
Since then, he’s been a full-time, single papa and actively pursuing his varied passions (Writing, Disruptive Technology, Computer Science and Cryptocurrency — plus more hobbies too boring or bizarre for most folk).
He lives on an island paradise with his girlfriend, teenage daughter and two dogs.
(JaiChai 12–13–2020. Simultaneous multi-site submissions posted. All rights reserved.)
Originally published at https://hive.blog on December 13, 2020.
